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Monday, January 3, 2011

Another year older and deeper in debt.

Okay, in the first place, there are people in my world who have nothing better to do than stalk me across cyberspace. Here's the thing...they're in my world BECAUSE they stalk me through cyberspace. I don't want them in my world, and frankly, while I try to have as few regrets as possible, I regret ever having met them in the first place. Nasty, manipulative people, one of whom has been emotionally cruel to one of my sons. This person, btw, claims to be a teacher. Or was. I have my doubts that anyone who hates youngsters, especially those with a disability, could actually teach.

Thank God she never actually taught mine. I do, however, feel continually sorry for her own children. 'Nuff said.

Okay. So I'm back to work with about 8 tons of crap paperwork just thrown at me, without so much as a "thanks for doing all this crap paperwork for us" and more of a "someones out, do his too." Happy New Year. I'm also sitting in a large room full of Christmas garbage, all of which I put up by myself because no one did anything except say "oh, I'll help you later" and all of which will be taken down by myself for the same reasons. I would cheerfully have come in over vacation and ripped it down, just so I didn't have to look at it this morning. I was basically greeted with "Happy New Year, I'll call for the boxes for the decorations."

Oh well, we're off two weeks from today. I love this time of year specifically because it's basically a holiday a month. The world is full of people like me, we're dead inside. We show up to work at jobs we hate, we keep them because we have families to support and we let the jobs influence every part of our lives because it's always in the back of our minds that we will never be able to retire, we will die at our desks, miserable and unsatisfied, knowing we've contributed nothing and were unhappy doing it.

I like to think it'll be okay because, while working mundane jobs instead of waiting for something challenging to turn up, something I actually studied and trained for, I have been keeping my family warm and fed and enabled them to chase their dreams.

But, as it's a New Year and time to make resolutions I have no intention of keeping (so I've stopped that waste of time) I DO tend towards retrospection. OR is is introspection? A combination, no doubt.

What I know is that it's too late for me. I spent years settling and now I have what I settled for. A husband who has lived his live and career as he chose and sons who seem pretty happy. Unfortunately, they're stuck with me.

I am about thisfar from a bona fide break down and find myself continually on the verge of tears. What really bothers me though, is the fact that I've done all this, and yes, I chose to do this, I suppose, although I was also raised that way, and I find myself helpless to bash in the heads of the people who have nothing better to do than attack my family, and in large part, because they don't like me.

I'm not sure why they don't like me and age, I have found, is starting to erode the emotions that made me care. It's like the little girl who got made at me because I had the audacity to call her on her rudeness. She was rude because I had the audacity to disagree with her. And her response? She announced loudly that she wasn't going to read my blog anymore. Oh, big deal, no one reads it anyway, who gives a crap?

I've often wondered what drives mean people though. What does it do for you? Does being nasty to other people give you any satisfaction? I wouldn't think so, but then, these are the people who tell other people I am a lying, psychotic bi-polar drunk too. Oh honey, if you had any idea the things you've told me I could spread around...How about your marriage counseling sessions? Yep, you blabbed about them to me. You might want to remember that.

Well, anyway, this is the kind of crap that goes down over New Year's for me. This is one of the reasons I hate the holidays, more and more, the older I get. I sat for two weeks and watched at least 42 different versions of "A Christmas Carol", four of them on Christmas Eve alone. I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating.

That story is a hoax. The world is full of Scrooges, most of whom are a million times nicer than the child manipulator who plagues me because of my son. Of all those Scrooges, 99% of them will NOT wake up full of joy and good will on Christmas morning and those that do will revert back to their miserly selves on the 26Th. I have more respect for them than I do the pseudo "friends" I have acquired over the years but that's another story. That I probably won't tell. Evil people feed on attention, and, while I would like to grind their faces into the mud they've been throwing these past years and watch they gag and drown, I won't. They'll die soon enough. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. I intend to work on this. People like that are attention whores, and can not stand being ignored.

All of this gives me a raging headache, btw. The hubster leaves for Vegas in a few, ostensibly on business. I shall try not to resent the fact that he goes to Vegas every fucking year while I haven't been in FOUR freaking YEARS and enjoy spending the time he's gone doing laundry and cleaning the bedroom.

The world parties while I work. This is definitely a "life sucks" day.

Oh, btw...the woman we overheard on New Years Day in with the cracker accent opining that it was nice that the Rose Bowl "finally let a CHRISTIAN school in"? Pasadena's more religious that your "Christian" university ever THOUGHT of being and the only reason you were even THERE is because Oregon is going to the BCS and U.S.C. is on probation because of that crook Pete Carroll who fled to Seattle where he can't get penalized for recruiting violations.

So there.

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