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Friday, August 13, 2010

"Everybody cut loose..."

Wow! I have solid evidence that people are actually reading this! This is really hella cool. Although I do have it on rather reliable authority, that there are people who read the same damn entry. Over and over and over...

Now, let's get a thing or two out of the way, as you obviously have no idea just who it is, exactly, that actually walks around in my skin.

I'm not going to be tweaking it anymore, you've read it, move on. They stand as they stand. I edit, a LOT, right after I hit "Publish" because, for some reason, it doesn't matter how many times I spell check it, or how carefully I read it in the edit window, I ALWAYS find a typo, a dangling participle or something that could just be made a little tighter once it's in actual blog form. If someone tells me it's funny I leave it alone. Never mess with funny, it just ruins it. I'm not a comedian. Comedians mess with funny. I don't. It's NOT gossip either, it won't change as news breaks. I don't DO gossip. Well, okay, I used to read Joyce Haber, I admit it. But then, THAT was real gossip. Unlike Perez Hilton, who is, well, hell, I'm not really sure what he is, let's just say I wouldn't believe him if he posted England was currently being ruled by a Queen. Also the people who read stuff and then call their friends and say "OMFG, you have to READ this, she's talking about ME!" Don't flatter yourself, chances are I'm not.

Also, I'll bet real money I've written better stuff. Right here. If you don't believe it, go back to late last year, when I was doing battle with the laminate flooring and the exercise equipment. I wouldn't recommend re-reading the same damn entry six, seven, eight, forty seven times in one day though. I'm NOT that good. If I were, I would be freaking Margaret Atwood. I would have written "The Handmaid's Tale". I love that book, btw, that book is brilliant. I re-read that book. Now and then. Not daily. I'm better than Ayn Rand though. Although even SHE made money from that bilge she wrote. I do it because I like it. No one pays me jack.

Nope. I'm a fat old lady with strong opinions and writing them down every now and then keeps me off the streets and away from a vagrancy charge.

I do re-read books, and I do watch Golden Girls re-runs though. And HBO movies. I'll watch the same movie over again, and more than once. I seldom go to the theater and PAY to see it a second time but damn! Once it hits cable, I'm SO in. For some reason, lousy movies aren't quite so lousy when your sprawled out on the couch in your jammies with a remote in one hand and a glass of Mourvedre in the other. "Mamma Mia!" is really, really pretty. It also has Pierce Brosnan singing, which kind of negates the pretty part. But I consider things like, oh, his nasal head voice strangling "S.O.S." to be built-in bathroom breaks, so it's all good. But damn, even I wander to new stuff every now and then.

Well, anyway, the other night I was watching a chick flick on a non-premium cable channel. I don't remember what the movie was, maybe "Legally Blond". Anyway, my sons and I were all watching it. I'm lucky, my sons like certain chick flicks. Not much into "Steel Magnolias" but "Legally Blond"? Oh yeah, that's a winner. Also "The Princess Bride" but then I'm not sure that's really as much a chick flick as just really, really clever.

So there we are, it's around 10pm or so and there comes a commercial. And here's some young woman sitting on the edge of a bed, staring deadpan into the camera and talking about how boring her bed used to be until she discovered "warming jelly". And then she starts discussing how really great the "big moment" is now. And then they cut to fireworks. Dude, that worked when Hitchcock did it in "To Catch A Thief", it's NOT working now. You're already in for the obvious, we don't need pyrotechnics. Well, she stops talking about this titillation in a tube and we sat there, in silence. Until my son, age 20, announces "Well, THAT was uncalled for". "I'm sorry you had to see that" I apologized.

"Don't worry" he told me, "it's not like we haven't seen them before". They have? I mean, sure, I've been seeing WAY too much of them but then I tend to watch garbage on Lifetime Television. Something told me the boys weren't watching "I Was Tied To A Tree In A Remote Forest And Left There For 7 Months By A No Damn Good MAN And Now I'm Graduating From Harvard So Suck On That!" the other night. No, they ran several of them during "Tremors" last week. Kevin Bacon! Who the hell wants to look at some woman discussing "KY Kissable" when you have Kevin Bacon in your bedroom? Can't you hear it? "We now return to "Footloose," sponsored by the fine people at Trojan rubber products. Trojans: WE take our responsibility seriously. (Trojan prophylactics are not associated with the rule-bending coaching staff at the University of Southern California)." Um, no...

"Ferguson, too" my older son chimed in. Okay, Ferguson is on after midnight. While I think the commercials are stupid, I'm pretty okay with this stuff after midnight. It kind of pairs up with the "What Are YOU Wearing" phone party line ads which, I was surprised to find out, are still around. I figured cyber sex had pretty much done away with that waste of money.

But there probably isn't a kid from middle school on up who wasn't up at 10pm watching "Tremors" the other night. I'm not under the delusion that they don't know about this stuff, or the stuff being touted in the commercials for "Adam and Eve" products (which, btw, are WAY more discreet), most of them could probably teach US things. So there's the point. Okay, KY Jelly has been around since, well, at least since I was way too young. We all knew what it was. We snorted when we saw the tube tucked away on grandpa's headboard. We also knew that it was really good for slicking back your hair, in case you wanted to go trick-or- treating as Buddy Holly or Dracula, because it not only held better than spray, it was water soluble - you could wash that crap right out.

Here's what I think. I think we watch so much TV now that advertisers figure we've all gone stupid. And we watch the same thing, over and over again. Because we're too stupid to change the channel and follow a plot we've never seen before. So they have to advertise exactly what to do with the same stuff we all KNEW what to do with. The other day I found myself alone in the afternoon and I turned on a movie about a young woman who ran a flower shop and always decorated weddings and didn't have a boyfriend. Early in the movie we were AT one of these weddings and someone said they were gathering because the groom was getting ready to throw the bride's garter belt.


Send me an email, I'll tell you the name of the movie and the channel that runs it every now and then if you don't believe me. If you're under 30 I'll also explain what a garter belt is, if you don't know. It is NOT something normally thrown at any event that doesn't involve a pole.

It all fell into place. The people who write crap for television, be it commercials or movies, have NO CLUE WHAT IN HELL THEY'RE DOING!

If I hadn't been watching the movie for the second time I wouldn't have noticed that though. Sometimes a second look at something CAN be beneficial.

BUT...if we hadn't been watching "Legally Blond" for the 87Th time we probably wouldn't have been subjected to the KY commercial either.

So branch out people. Watch a movie you've never seen before. Be one you've never even HEARD of before. Read a new blog entry. Hit the little arrow up top and read someone ELSE'S blog for a change. But stop boring yourselves with the same old blog entry. You can probably find another one that will offend you even more than the one you're re-reading.

If you guys don't stop reading the same day's entry over and over I just may start putting KY ads on this.

"KY Intense. FEEL the burn!"

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