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Friday, August 20, 2010

Anchors Aweigh

Damn, it's hot! It's so hot I prefer to be at work. We have decent air. Not great, I mean, no one's complaining or putting on sweaters, but decent. And I have liberated myself to the point that I'm wearing short sleeves. You have NO idea how much cooler short sleeves and a haircut makes me. Yeah, I got my annual "shit it's hot, just CUT IT OFF" summer do. Although this year, I kind of like it. It's retro, bangs, puffed up on the top, back behind the ears. This necessitates earrings though. AND make up. Because, for some reason, all new hair styles necessitate make-up. Or maybe that's just me. I've always had a hair problem and the more out of control it gets the less I do anything about it. I mean, why bother with the mascara if your hair looks like crap anyway, right?

Okay, so this really started snowballing with an innocent question from a good friend. "Is Talbot's going out of business? They're having an insane sale on line right now." Hmmmm...Talbot's. Now I may have grown up in the 60s and 70s and I may have worn love beads and polyester pants but damn! Deep in my heart I've always had this thing for khaki slacks, blue blazers, ascots and riding crops. Oops, not the crops, that's another blog entirely.

Anyway, you get the picture. I used to have a red velvet blazer. I wore that thing out, I always looked like I was riding to hounds. I think it was something about Candice Bergen in "The Group". I mean, who wouldn't want to look like Candice Bergen, especially back then. Hell, I wouldn't mind looking like her now. I think I figured if I dressed like her I'd look like her. Didn't work, but then, I was to stupid to know that. As I remember, she spent much of her limited screen time in upper class riding gear, which was supposed to indicate that her character was a lesbian because, apparently, only lesbians rode English saddles.

Well, anyway. I've never outgrown that. I mean, that taste in clothing. I call it "classic". My family calls is "Grandma". Eh, what do they know anyway? They all live in Levi's and Chuck Taylor High Tops. So I decided to check this out, WAS Talbot's going out of business? No, didn't look like it. So I typed in and MOTHER OF GOD! 75% off and FREE SHIPPING!

Now, I haven't bought clothes in over four years. Seriously. I mean, recession, cutting expenses to the bone, clothing is a luxury. No, I didn't go out naked, although the hubster once said I looked as if I'd been evicted from a trailer park. I highly resented that, I looked as least as if I'd been evicted from an RV campground.

And here I was in what must be some one's heaven. Classic clothing, wonderful nautical flair, navy blues and whites, natural fibers! And all priced to put Big Lots to shame! My eyes bugged out, my hands trembled as sale item after sale item went into my cyber bag.

On the last day of the sale, I took a deep breath and pressed "Purchase." That's class for you, it wasn't "Buy" it was "Purchase". Most everything sitting in my bag was sold out. But I plunged in, removed, re-thought and re-pressed the button.

The box came a week later. I must have been drunk. I ordered a knee-length skirt! I haven't worn a dress since my wedding day and the last time I wore a skirt was to my mother's funeral. Ten years ago. And THAT one was mid-calf. (I do not let my legs out. At their best they look like upside down bowling pins and trust me, at my age and with my fat ass they're not at their best). But damn, it's navy with breezy white sailboats all over it. It's cotton. And there's a white cotton shirt to go with it, and bateau neck tops and navy slacks with the worlds most perfect navy and white stripe tee. All with short sleeves.

I didn't care. Summer has just arrived here and I was wallowing in riches! I've lived in long sleeves for years now. Trust me, once you hit 40 your upper arms are no longer your friend. Those taut, tan shoulders and arms you once took for granted are now looking like the shank end of a ham and the muscle tone you had and never thought twice about is now on an extended leave of absence. Look at Michelle Obama if you don't believe me.

Look at her two years ago.

Look at her now. Sleeves!

Anyway, I put on the blue striped tee and the navy slacks and the new little bronze flats I also snagged. Why, btw, do we call them "little bronze flats?" For gawd's sake, my shoe size is a TEN. At least. Ten and a half if the toes are pointed. There's nothing little about that shoe. It falls into the category of "Little Black Dress" I guess. I don't care HOW big your butt is, if you're looking for a basic black dress it's called "little". I don't get it. What's wrong with Basic Black? That's what my mother called it, it was boring but it got the descriptive job done nicely and didn't give everyone currently wearing anything over a size 1 a complex. But I digress.

Well, anyway, I thought about the short sleeves. Then I thought about my arms. I have seriously been considering going in for the current trend of tattooing one's arms from shoulder to wrist in a nice mass of some sort of floral pattern. I figure, if I do that, I can go out in a tank top and tell people it's not a tank top, it's a sweater with dolman sleeves. However, as I haven't yet taken that plunge, and the temperature is now in the low triple digits I figured to hell with the fashion police, it's just too damn hot right now to worry about the caftan-like way my arms wave.

Now, because I was no longer wearing my worn out tweed pants with a long sleeve, button front solid color shirt and loafers (which I will NEVER wear again since the cat found a big bug in one of them) in the heat I found myself standing straighter. My hair is off my neck and I'm appropriately dressed for summer and I threw my shoulders back and damn! Guess what I discovered? When you pull your shoulders back, your boobs stick out farther. Now, I've never been one to lead with my tits but...if you get the girls father out front? It creates a new angle of decent for your shirt. As it now falls straight off the ends instead of sort of laying flat against your front, the natural flotation device I've been carrying above my waistband doesn't show NEARLY as much.

Not only that...with my shoulders back and my spine in it's proper position not only doesn't my lower back ache but I've managed to lose a chin. Unfortunately, I still have an ass the size of Cleveland. I'm trying to figure out some way to do for my thighs what this has done for the rest of me. We shall see. Perhaps the skirt will help. I'm not ready to wear it yet though. I need shoes, I do NOT wear skirts with loafers, or gladiator sandals. Hell, even gladiator's probably didn't wear gladiator sandals. This is pure conjecture on my part though. AND I need to find one of those old fashioned split half slips, the kind that look like culottes? Because, seriously, I walk to work and you have NO idea what happens to unprotected inner thighs when then rub against each other.

Especially in this kind of heat.

1 comment:

  1. LMAOROTF! I love your sense of humor!