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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer...

So there I was last night, happily watching "Wipe Out" with my sons. I look forward this every summer. In case you don't watch "Wipe Out" I'll try and explain but I don't think I'm going to do a very good job of it. If you do know about it, well, just skip ahead if you like. Sort of like when one TiVos through the commercials and the stuff in the movie you didn't like.

"Wipe Out" is an adult version of the Nickelodeon show "GUTS". With a little of "Legends of the Hidden Temple" thrown in. There are no questions to answer though, in fact I'm not sure being overly smart is a good thing here. Grown up people attempt an obstacle course based on great big squishy things and a lot of water and mud. God help me, I love it.

It is always a summer replacement. No one in their right mind would actually try and put this on during a regular season. But, during the long daylight hours of summer it just seems to work.

Well, there we are, watching the two hour preview of "Wipe Out" and mostly yelling "OWWWWWW" as people fall off large sponge balls and hit the mud below and the network is showing commercial after commercial for it's new "summer season". This, btw, translates to "these are the shows that some idiot here bought and gave them a six episode committment and we now realize they suck."

One of them is about a really, really rich gated community and what goes on there. I'm intrigued, I'm hoping for another "Dallas" or "Dynasty" or something. Television runs in cycles and we're pretty much at the end of the "let's solve the murder in the forensic lab" if you ask me. I'm campaigning for a return to the prime time soap.

So I'm watching the promo with great interest. Until I see one of the characters sprout fangs.

ENOUGH WITH THE STINKING VAMPIRES! They're all young, they're all dark, they're all brooding and they're all tortured. They ALL want to get it on with non-vampires. They all live in weird, locked away places that no one has ever heard of. They sparkle in the sun and never smile, because they're tortured and they brood about it. They have dark, haunted eyes. The only difference here it that these vampires appear to be rich and seem to live in a gated community. I'm guessing they have trouble keeping a gate guard, that's good for an episode or two.

Jeez, you're vampires. LIVE with it. They never smile, they're thoroughly miserable people. I would think it would be better for them now that they can live in places like Washington State and wear jeans and t-shirts instead of being confined to Eastern Europe and a tuxedo. But noooooooo.

Obviously I had a hard time getting through "Twilight", which is now in heavy rotation on one of my movie channels, btw. I watched about five minutes of it. That's the guy that played Cedric in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire". Yes, I know, I've read all the Harry Potter books. I love Harry Potter. I watch the movies.

Why do I have no problems with an invisible school somewhere in Northern England where the denziens of a parallel universe send their offspring to be educated in subjects like "Ancient Runes," "Defense Against the Dark Arts," and "How to Tame Your Dragon?" (Okay, I made that one up, I like vulgar humor). That's easy.

No Vampires.

There was a show on Broadway a few years ago (or maybe it was Off-Broadway, I know it's basically just an address thing) called "Title of Show". I've never seen it, but I know that there's a song called "Die, Vampire. Die". I like the sentiment, although it does require a belief in vampires to begin with. Said song spawned a shirt:

You gotta love theater people.

However, in searching for an image of this shirt (and I knew the shirt existed,my son has one, although his is a t-shirt with a picture on it and is WAY cooler than the hoodie) I came across something else. As today is my birthday and my father STILL sends me a card with money in it, I'm always looking for something spiffy to get myself, something I'd never take out of the budget. And damned if I didn't find it.


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