Search This Blog

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Just because they make them in your size...

No, I didn't make the Floating Island, not that anyone asked, or cares. I got a hellish sinus infection instead, which has plodded on for a week now, although the end IS in sight. Thanks to the moron Union of which I am a member we have virtually no viable health insurance and a trip to the doctor for antibiotics was out of the question. Armed with Sudafed, Saline, Afrin and the kitchen faucet (increase your water intake when you have a head cold, btw, it works) I attacked the thing with all the resources available to me. This morning I realized that headway has most definitely been made, I am on the mend.

This pleases my family for a number of reasons. First, I'm cooking dinner again. Even I was starting to get sick of Boston Market. Sunday's pork tenderloin was pretty much inhaled. I don't know if it was even good. What it was, was something without a million mgs of sodium and it was hot out of the kitchen, not lukewarm in a tin foil pan.

Second, I imagine I am sleeping more quietly now, which should please my husband, my children in the next room, the neighbors next door and the landlord who lives in the next town over, all of whom could hear me and my clogged sinus snoring. At one point I actually woke myself up. Why is it, no one admits they snore? I mean, what's wrong with it, anyway? Okay, so it sounds a lot like your backed up kitchen drain when the Draino finally works, but other than that, what's the social stigma?

I'm still a bit tired around the edges though, which may be why I'm hypersensitive about the idiots I have encountered on the Internet over the last several years. Now, I'm not saying everyone online is an idiot, in fact, I am blessed to have met about a dozen people I count as friends via my computer, three of whom I wouldn't part with for the world and have made the Internet experience well worth the aggravation.

But then, there are these others. The Internet has become the last bastion for scoundrels. No, I take that back. They're not scoundrels. They're hypersensitive, paranoid fools who use message boards to say stuff they wouldn't dare say in public. I mentioned the Liberace museum in Las Vegas on a chat thread and now I'm being vilified as hating gays. ALL gays. Huh? Isn't the Liberace museum in Las Vegas anymore? It was when I went there, and, btw, if you've never been I recommend it. Fascinating...that man had HUGE hands. You should see the size of the rings. So now I guess I hate an entire group of people and now I can't go see Neil Patrick Harris perform in anything which is a shame because I really like him. It's amazing how he managed to build a career AFTER Doogie Howser. Oh wait, no, I hate him, some guy said so, on the Internet. Or maybe it was a woman, I'm not sure. And where does this put me with regard to Rachael Maddow and the Ellen Show? I mean, if I hate these people...

There's a Disneyland board that routinely bans people for, well, yeah, I'm not exactly sure. Scary place, that. Little news and a LOT of people starting prayer chains for people who didn't ask for them. Some poor, friendly soul posts something like "oh, what I DAY I had today, seemed like everything went wrong and Target was OUT of Tide" and someone starts a prayer chain. Someone else offers them a cup of coffee and a freshly baked muffin. OVER THE INTERNET, PEOPLE! There ARE no muffins. Well, there may be muffins in her kitchen, but that doesn't really help the poor sap six states to the east of her who has just been told there are muffins.

But back to the gay thing. Now, I don't hate gays, I'm a live and let live sort of person. I don't really care WHAT you do as long as you don't do it to me. And if you're a guy and you're trying to do it to me, you're probably not gay, you're just trying to get into an easier softball division.

However, jumping up and down and screaming you don't hate homosexuals is sort of like announcing you don't beat your dog. People believe what they want to believe. End of story. I'm reminded of someone I used to work with though. This woman was, well, let's just call her a meddler and say I don't really miss her. Anyway, she, like so many of us (yes, including myself) had an ass the size of Cleveland. She would eat half a box of Cheerio-s for breakfast (with whole milk) and then get all teary and say she couldn't lose weight, it was glands or big bones or something. I would occasionally go to lunch with her. Now I may look like Jabba the hut at times but I try and do the decent thing for myself when I deal with food. So there I am, with my salad bar and my chicken and there she is with a double bacon cheeseburger and a side of extra mayo. No, I'm NOT exaggerating, I swear on my mother's grave. Hell, you want the cheeseburger, eat the damn cheeseburger. But then don't cry, literally, about how miserable you are because you've got a fat ass.

You have a fat ass because you're eating double bacon cheeseburgers with extra mayo, you twit! Well, anyway, she would start PMSing and she would find someone and start crying. And she maintained that every time she went to a restaurant everyone looked at her to see what the fat broad was eating. And I remember saying "No one's looking at you. I've been to lunch with you. No one is looking at what you eat, no one cares."

Nope, she was convinced the the entire world was watching her eat. Because she was fat. When the truth is, people were looking at her because she was wearing white crop pants with red flowers all over them, a matching red t-shirt, thumb rings and Birkenstocks.

THIS is the same self hypersensitivity that the person on line has. I'm guessing that the person is gay and therefore sees homophobia behind every door, in every drawer and in every word. Mention Liberace and you must be homophobic. Lord only knows what would happen if I said I've been known to eat in West Hollywood. "I'm gay, and you're all looking at me because I'm gay." Um, no, we're all looking at you because you're having a paranoiac fit in public. Because, until you started screaming at me that I hated gays, I didn't know you were gay (I'm not sure you are, actually, I'm guessing). More importantly, I don't especially care. Because we were discussing President Obama when this meltdown took place.

Sort of like the co-worker who saw disapproval and malice in every person she passed, this person sees hatred and mistrust wherever he or she goes.

Now I'm not really sure the Internet is responsible for this buffoon. But it does give him or her a soapbox. Because if they went out in public they'd be laughed off their soapbox but in hiding behind a screen name and a cartoon character avatar it makes him or her feel righteous, sort of a modern day Joan of Arc.

Complete, I have a hunch, with the voices.

No comments:

Post a Comment