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Monday, May 17, 2010

Mary, Mary, quite contrary...

About, oh, maybe six, seven years ago here in California, we had a governor, name of Gray Davis. Gray ran on a platform that was, basically, it's too damn expensive to live here. He was right. He'd been in state politics for a long time, he was ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY RIGHT.

Well, Gray got himself elected and he promptly paid back the voters by cutting the outrageous price of car registration. Which lasted for, oh, about 18 months, at which point the State ran out of money.

California runs out of money all the time, trust me. Every year there's a big news deal about how no one's going to get paid because the budget hasn't been signed because the state's out of money and they're trying to balance the budget. Which, btw, they never do. So someone stops the clocks up in Sacramento and we all pretend it's still Friday night and the midnight deadline for the budget hasn't really passed and it really ISN'T a week from last Tuesday now. The legislature gets bored, they figure out a lousy budget, the governor bitches and signes the damn thing anyway. This is how it works here.

So, Davis discovers the state is out of money and begrudgingly (at least according to him) raises auto registration fees back where they were. So in California it now cost us $648.50 to register a 1987 Yugo. Add an extra $25 if you wanted a personalized plate. Well, to make an already long blog less long, there was a recall. Of the Governor, not the Yugo. I'm not going to say the auto registration fees were the sole reason but they're the only reason anyone remembers now. We love our cars.

The recall was a special election with a ballot that made the State of Florida butterfly ballot of 2000 look like a masterwork of clarity. If you were opposed to the recall, vote for Gray Davis for Governor and NO on the recall. If you were in favor of the recall, vote for one of the following 400 candidates for Governor, a list that included, in no particular order, Gary Coleman, Arianna Huffington, Mary Carey and Arnold Schwarzenegger who, at one point in this process, during a debate, threatened to kill Ms. Huffington. California, of course, elected him as he could pretty much do whatever he wanted to Arianna as long as he lowered auto registration fees, pretty much the sole selling point of his campaign.

Mary Carey, however, made no small amount of sense. Ms. Carey, if you don't remember, is a star of the adult screen. She makes no secret of this. It's a legal business, at least here. She works for her money, earns her money, and pays taxes on her money and, frankly, is more qualified to hold the office of Governor of the State of California than the shimmering star of the auction world currently running for that august office.

Ms. Carey had an idea for boosting the state revenue without raising car registration fees. Just leave the damn bars open 24 hours. Currently, last call in California is 2am. The bar re-opens at 6am, closed for a grand total of four hours. That's FOUR hours of revenue, taxes, increased fees for liquor licenses and, let's face it, it's not like closing the bars for a grand total of FOUR hours in the middle of the night discourages ANYTHING. Have you ever known anyone with a drinking problem who suddenly stopped drinking because the state made the bars close? Me either.

Well, Arnold's leaving for home and it's time to interview some new candidates. Like Meg Whitman. God only knows why ANYONE wants this job, I wouldn't have it on a bet. But Meg not only wants it, she's paying a LOT of money to let us know just how badly she wants it, and why she wants it.

Now Meg was the CEO of eBay. Meg has more money than, well, than Schwarzenegger probably. She's a dyed blond with a Fantastic Sam's bob, blue pop eyes, a business wardrobe I think she GOT from an eBay auction and blindingly white teeth. She looks directly into the camera and tells us that she ran eBay and she wants to run California. She wants to call out the National Guard to protect our borders from all those illegals who run across the I-5 at Camp Pendleton dragging poor, pigtailed little girls along behind them like helium balloons.

She ALSO is extremely mad at a guy named Steve Poizner. Steve, it seems, has the audacity to run against HER! Steve must be stopped. Because Steve, well, I guess Steve was a non-paying bidder or something. She also mad at Jerry Brown, who is running against her. Except Jerry Brown is a Democrat and Meg's a Republican and, since we haven't even had a PRIMARY yet, she's kind of jumping the gun on that one if nothing else.

And here's my favorite Meg Whitman quote: "I oppose Barbara Boxer". That's all. Um Meg? You might want to re-list your candidacy because maybe you MEANT to run for the SENATE but you're actually running for Governor. Barbara Boxer is a SENATOR. A U.S. Senator, not even a state senator. Meg? You're NOT RUNNING AGAINST HER. You probably won't run into her in Sacramento. I don't think she'll be at your Christmas or Hanukkah party. I'm thinking she probably doesn't like you much either, for what that's worth. Meg? Do yourself a favor. Go on eBay and put a bid in for someones used Poli Sci book, it'll do you a world of good.

So, in a nutshell, here's Meg, who "opposed Barbara Boxer" for no discernible reason.

And Mary Carey, who, like Franklin Delano Roosevelt, at least knows there's money to be had in the liquor industry:

I'm thinking of starting a write in movement.

1 comment:

  1. Lord have mercy on CA's soul . . .Sarah Palin's long lost cousin has appeared!