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Friday, February 19, 2010

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright...

Well, after a month of not much of interest it's raining idiocy. The Winter Games of the whateverthehellitis because they insist on using Roman Numerals and I can only count up to 14 in Roman Numerals Olympiad. Okay, maybe 49. But still...

So last night I sat up till 1 am watching the Men's Figure Skating Finals. Which I've plenty to say about. This, however, explains why I am bleary eyed today. Because, instead of sleeping in (when one's commute to the office is approximately 90 seconds and it's casual Friday to boot, well, that's totally doable)I got up before 8 so I could watch Tiger. Woods. A.Pol.O.Gize. To. The. Media. And. His. Fans.

And discuss his rehab.

This is, apparently, the "apologize to everyone you know, hurt, think you hurt or think you might run into at Starbucks anytime in the next 47 years" portion of his 12 step program. Tiger, it seems, is ashamed of himself. Okay, frankly I think Tiger is profoundly embarassed that he got nailed with his "pants on the ground" for the, what, 23rd time last week? I've lost track. I Googled "How many mistresses does Tiger Woods have now?" but got nowhere, even the internet has lost track. Now, personally? I'm not sure I believe several of them anyway. I was considering calling the L.A. Times and confessing to being one of Tiger's mistresses myself for awhile. I'm still toying with the idea. I think woman everywhere should call their local media and confess to being Tiger's mistress. It could sweep the nation, sort of like all the people who call and confess to murdering the Black Dahlia. We could all chip in, rent a stadium somewhere, and have a group picture taken.

Tiger wishes us to know that Elin never laid a hand on him let alone beat the crap out of him with a six iron. She never hit him. She deserves praise, not blame. Okay, Tiger? Listen up. No one blamed HER, you moron. If what you said is true, I'm frankly disappointed in her. No one blamed her for allegedly wailing on you with a golf club. To be honest, it amused the hell out of most of us.

Tiger is sorry and has apologized to all of the parents who held him up as a role model for their children. Okay, Tiger (and every other professional athlete, disc jockey and real estate mogul)? GET A FREAKING CLUE! Do you really think that I looked at a skinny kid with a fair to middling talent on the golf course and a LOT of potential and said "Hey kids! I have an idea. Instead of listening to me I want you to pick up a golf club, win a bunch of junior and amateur tournaments, start listening to your own publicity and then drop out of Stanford because someone said you can make a lot of money trying to smack a little white ball into a gopher hole with a metal pole. Because I want you to do whatever Tiger tells you to do."

Dude! You are NOT my kids role model. Just saying...

I don't know about the rest of you, but we here in L.A. who were watching KTLA were treated to a "State of the Union" like rebuttal. We went from Tiger. And. His. Carefully. Prepared. State.Ment. to the offices of Gloria Allred. Ms. Allred is not happy because Tiger did not apologize to the umpteen hundred mistresses who have emerged from his closet in the last three months. She is especially unhappy because Tiger has NOT apologized to her client, this lovely lady sitting, tearfully, right next to me here. In my office. Which just happens to be full of television cameras.

This lovely, innocent, hopelessly in love with Tiger and thought he was going to dump his wife and marry her young lady. Her name is Veronica. She gave up her career because Tiger wanted her to. Tiger wanted to take care of her. Tiger led her astray. And Veronica believed Tiger and gave up her career.

Did I mention Veronica was a porn star?

Now, I'm okay with that. Hell, you're young, your hot and you're okay with what your doing. There's a market for it and you're getting paid, what, something like $1500 per SCENE? I don't make that in a MONTH. But I digress. Like it or not, porn chicks have the reputation for being, shall we say, not too bright? Veronica, you're NOT helping this image. You're making a living in porn, you're doing a married man and you claim you bought into his line about how he was going to leave his wife and kids and marry you and you'd spend the rest of your life livin' the dream?


I have one more observation on this morning's waste of 30 minutes. Out of curiosity, I started pushing the channel button on my remote. Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Sham Wow, Tiger. Something seemed off though. After a few back and forths I realized...KNBC was using a 7 second delay. Apparently they were afraid Tiger would let fly with the same sort of language Shaun White's I'm gonna dance in mid air on a snowboard coach did the other night. You know, the guy who dropped the F bomb while a microphone eavesdropped on the conversation and then NBC, instead of bleeping it ran it about six times so we could ALL be sure he'd hadn't slipped up and actually said "freakin?"

I'm guessing they were worried Tiger would come out, announce, "F**K off and leave me the hell alone" and walk out.

Which, now that I think about it, wouldn't have been such a bad idea.

1 comment:

  1. LOVED today's blog entry. I'm with you especially on two points: 1)Mrs. Woods gets bonus points for beaning Mr. Woods with a 9 iron and 2) Mr. Woods would have made up a lot of lost ground if he'd just told all of us to f the hell off.