The Winter Games. Day 11.
My eyes are bloodshot. I sleep, maybe 4 hours a night. Otherwise, I might miss curling after dark. Eleven days of ice skating. Speed, short track. Pairs figure skating. Mens figure skating. And now, day three of ice dancing. Dear God, I know what a twizzle is.
There's always a lot of talk about the way ice skating is scored. I think I know what's wrong with it though. The rules are antiquated and the judges are so busy looking at twizzles and how many times a skater and grab his or her blade and use it to haul their foot over their head that they're missing the really obvious stuff.
So, in the interest of breathing new life into the sport, I have a few suggestions.
After the first three bars of that warbling violin solo that signals Scheherazade, a mandatory five point deduction will be taken for complete and total lack of originality. Anything from "Man of La Mancha" receives a three point deduction for the same reason unless you use "The Impossible Dream" in which case you will be disqualified.
"The Firebird" is banned. Actually, an argument could be made that all Stravinsky should be banned, just on general principles, but that doesn't really apply here. The penalty for using anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber is still being debated, it can be used for the 2011 competitions but don't get to attached to it. Unless it's from "Cats". Don't even bother, Cats will get you disqualified quicker than whacking your competitor's kneecaps.
Only one costume by Vera Wang is allowed per career, so you'd better be pretty damn sure it's a good one. Don't take the labels out and claim you found it at a vintage ice rink gift shop either, we're wise to that one.
As for the rest of it, use some common sense. Painting big glitter tears on your faces and skating to "Send in The Clowns" didn't do your cause any good. That couple who skated to the theme from "Love Story"? I can't even GO there. I've got an idea. Next time, put on your afternoon around the house duds, lace up your skates and crank up "Cousin Dupree" by Steely Dan THAT'LL get the crowd going.
Eleven freaking nights of nymphs leaping across the ice and do any of you hear the audience clapping in time to your music? Guess why?
You're boring! Go down to Amoeba records, plug in the headphones and get some new music!
You, guy in the form fitting black turtleneck bodysuit leaping to Scheherazade? Next short program I'd like to see you in a big plaid jacket, looking something like one of the MacKenzie brothers and doing an interpretive dance to "The Lumberjack Song". Where you stash the bra is up to you. Slap on a Fedora and do your final to the theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark". Or "Beat It", which would enable you to wear more bling. AND the fedora. While we're talking headgear, how about "You Can Leave Your Hat On." Jeez, I'd be happy to hear "I'm a Little Teapot" at this point.
Stop hanging on to your foot too. Who the hell decided that was worth extra points? Every morning I get up, get dressed, sit on the edge of my bed and haul my overweight, middle age thigh up by my foot where I ceremoniously drop it in my lap and hope it stays there long enough for me to get my shoes tied. No one gives me extra points for that.
Call me, I'm listed. You can borrow my iPod.