An Open Letter to Jay Leno

Like you, or anyone else at NBC is actually going to read this. However, I'm hot under the collar and I'm going to indulge in some therapy.

Jay,

Notice how I don't say "Dear Jay"?

You're not a "dear" anything at the moment.

What was it, SIX years ago? You SIGNED an agreement. You were gonna retire. You said so.

And then what happened? Gee, four years just flew by, didn't it? And now you're what, pushing 60 and your thinking "gee, who's gonna hire a 60 year old geezer with grey hair, I'll never get another job in this market and I'm too young for Social Security?"

So I'm guessing you go to your old bosses and whine like a little girl, right? "Gee, guys, I've been a good employee, I don't call in sick much and I'm usually on time, I want to keep my job." Well crap Jay, they already hired your replacement. So you decide to ask them to make you another job. With better hours.

Now, I'll give you this. Why in the HELL your boss said "okay" is beyond comprehension. Maybe because your company was dissolving in front of everyone's eyes and someone thought "Shit, why the hell not, nothing ELSE is working." Who knows?

So instead of acting with, oh, maybe TEN PERCENT of the class your predecessor showed when Helen Kushnick (remember her? I do) muscled you into Studio 1 you decided to cry.

Instead of maintaining any shred of dignity, leaving Burbank to, what is essentially a younger, hipper you while you did some stand up, spent some time with Mavis, wrote a book and developed a sit com you decided to act like a spoiled brat.

Conan outclassed you, hands down. Because you know what? That gauntlet he threw down on Tuesday in the form of a press release? He invoked "The Tonight Show." Not Conan, not Jay. And for anyone who thinks it's a ruse, do you remember Conan's old set? The one in New York? The one with the framed pictures of Jack Paar, Steve Allen, Johnny Carson and David Lettermen. This guy CARES about what he does, Jay. You don't.

Stop acting like a whiney six year old who didn't get a PS3 for his birthday. YOU made your decision. If you had any dignity at all, you would live with it. Your show is a flop and you're a brat. I've watched you for the last time.

Lest you think I'm not in your demographic anyway, Jay, I'm 55. And you need a nap.

I hope you develop a recurring dream prominently featuring The Masturbating Bear. Because that bear has WAY more class than you do right now.