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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

New Year, New Reeboks

Well, after about 14 different drafts about the Rose Parade, the floats and the people who go pay 7 bucks a head to see the floats complete with their large bald spots (the floats, not the people, I'll buy damn near anything but I draw the line at paying 7 dollars to look at someone else's bald spot when I can look at my husband's bald spot or, indeed, the bald spots of every other male over the age of 24 in his family for free) in 80 degree heat because well, yeah, because it was 80 degrees and glued on flowers tend to fall off under those conditions I decided the moment had past, the parade is over and you've all seen the thing anyway.

As the first of the year has come and gone I decided that, along with my program of sensible eating and portion control I should, most likely, add some exercise. I thought that perhaps carrying around the membership card to the fitness center I only visit when I can't pay my gas bill and need a shower would be enough, you know, carrying around even MORE extra weight might burn calories and build muscle but no.

Like most good insomniacs I started thinking about this. In the first place, if carrying around extra weight will firm and tone you I should look like Vin Diesel by now. So, there I was at 3am watching a 30 minute "program" for this tube shaped thing that one holds with one's elbows out, rather like butterfly wings and then shakes up and down. This handy dandy new version of an Apache rain stick moves up and down, it appears to be on some sort of spring. One assumes the butterfly position, grabs the rain stick with both hands and starts shaking it. The stick moves like a piston. This stick is designed to firm ones flabby arms, strengthen one's flaccid shoulder muscles and, I think, relieve shin splints and promote nuclear disarmament. All this for 20 bucks! I found myself toying with this miracle tube. After all, I woke up on my 50th birthday to discover my upper arms, the same smooth, moderately firm ones I had gone to bed with the night before had turned into half filled water balloons. I attempted to wave hello to my neighbor and that thing became living proof that an object in motion does, indeed, tend to remain in motion. The under side of my upper arm finally stopped waving when it smacked me upside the head.

As intrigued as I am with the spring loaded rain stick though I realize that 20 bucks is a lot of money, what with the $49.95 addition for shipping. And I've learned to deal with the wizard sleeves my arms have become. I wear long sleeves in the hottest of summers and never raise my arms higher than my shoulder. So the bouncy stick has gone on the back burner.

My butt, however, is becoming a grave concern. The older I get, the lower it drops. If I buy my jeans a size too small it usually packs that sucker in to the point that it's forced back into something resembling its original position. That's if memory serves me right. The down side of this solution is the deep, red welt around what's left of my waist when I peel the too small jeans off and finally take something resembling a deep breath. I remembered all those commercials about the new shoes that turn everyday walking into a day at the gym. Just walk and you'll feel the burn. I thought, well, okay. I walk to work, I walk around the neighborhood and THIS is probably what I really need.

I couldn't remember what company made them. Or what they were called. So I went on line and typed into a Google search bar "those shoes that make your butt exercise." I was at the Sketchers website in about 1/5 of a second. I don't know what intrigues me most, the shoes themselves or the fact that Google knew what I wanted from that description. The shoes, btw, come in lovely colors and are all $110 dollars.

I'm wondering if I could possibly adapt the spring loaded rain stick to do the job.

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