"It only happens when I dance with you...."

Okay, now that I’ve had 12 hours to digest this Palin stuff.

Yes, I watch “Dancing With the Stars” and yes, I watch it even though I look at it’s increasingly lame line-ups and say “Oh good, I can watch “Two and a Half Men” this year because they’ve really hit rock bottom.”

I love dancing and I love people in pretty clothes and I always end up watching the damn thing, in spite of myself. I voted for Donny Osmond. If anyone spreads that around I’ll deny it. There are people on the internet who claim I say stuff all the time and then say I never said it so I’m used to it and you should be too. These are people, btw, who claim this about things I’ve actually TYPED and published. As in “you said my fence was white brick, you’re a liar” and I then say “where did I say that? I said your fence was WHITE, which is true” and then they usually counter with “I don’t have to look up where you said it, someone told me you said it and that’s all I need to know. You said WHITE BRICK. You’re a liar and I’m not only punishing you, I’m going to spread it all over the internet.”

But I digress. My original point was that yeah, everyone calls everyone a liar on the internet. Whatever.

I have, like all 14 remaining viewers, been hearing rumors about the line up. David Hasslehoff. Oh Phu-LEEZ! His videos are readily available all over You Tube anyway. Dancing is about the only thing we HAVEN’T seen him do. “The Situation”? Don’t get me started. A football player, a basketball player and, in the part made famous by Cloris Leachman, Florence Henderson.

But, first and foremost. BRISTOL PALIN.

WTF?

Every time I think Sarah Palin has reached new heights in child exploitation damned if she doesn’t come up with another. See, in the first place, I have problems with mothers who define themselves by waving their children in the air. “Look at me, I have a child! Out of my way, I have a child!”

Even worse are the mothers who spend their time waving their handicapped children around. “I’m THE MOTHER OF A DISABLED CHILD AND I RESENT THAT”. Thus leaving me with the feeling that they wouldn’t resent whatever it is if it WASN’T for the child. Let me try and put this into a more logical example, as I really would rather not be sued at this point in time.

Let’s say someone says to you: “Stem cell research is a joke, a waste of money and a violation of Godwin’s Law”. If your argument is “My great grandfather has Alzheimer’s and I resent your ignorant attitude” instead of “That’s an ignorant attitude, I feel your dead wrong in opposing this medical research as it will help hundreds of thousands of Alzheimer’s patients and the people who care for them” well, you’re pretty much waving your great-grandfather around as an excuse for your soapbox and using his plight to garner sympathy from all and sundry for yourself.

I feel the same way about mothers who wave their disabled children like a banner. “How DARE you insult me, I have a disabled child!” Yeah, well, you’re still a cow. Has nothing to do with your kid, it’s about you. Having a handicapped child doesn’t make you instantly eligible for cannonization.

I knew someone like this and, sorry all you red-necked Glenn Beck following Jesus Freaks, but Sarah Palin is one of them .The first time I became aware of her on a National level she was dancing around on a platform at the RNC waving little Calculus around like a front line Confederate soldier with the Stars and Bars in his rebellious little hands. “Look at ME. My baby has Down’s syndrome! Look at ME!”
Do I think he should have been hidden away? Oh HELL no. I think he should have been presented as part of the family, no more, no less. “This is my son, Algebra, my daughter Bristol and my husband, the First Dude.”

But no. “This is my DOWN’S SYNDROM son”. And then she trotted out Bristol. Obviously pregnant Bristol and her obviously good ol’ boy fiancée…the one she was going to marry AFTER the baby was born.

Okay, I’m not going to get into the hypocrisy of preaching abstinence when you’re daughter is 7 months along and ringless, these things happen. But, at the time I found myself wondering…okay, she’s knocked up, that poor, uncomfortable, collar tugging zit faced sap says he’s going to marry her. WHAT are they waiting for, Vera Wang’s maternity gown collection?

That’s water under the bridge, I’ll admit it. Over and done with and, as I suspected, once the Palins were sent packing their Neiman-Marcus duds in their Louis Vuitton luggage and headed back to Wasilla, everything calmed down. A bit. Oh, and the wedding was off. BIG SURPRISE!

But then Sarah formed a PAC and quit being governor. Well, sure, that was fun but then she went to work for FOX what ever the hell it is because it sure as hell isn’t news and, sure as God made little green apples she dropped under the national radar. I like to think there just aren't that many thinking people watching Fox.

Enter Levi. Again. Levi and Bristol are oh so in love and getting married.

This was AFTER the interview Levi gave about his future mother-in-law, by the way, which leads one to wonder why this wedding is on again. Then it hit me. IF I remember right, Deep Throat gave a sage piece of advice to Woodward and Bernstein back in the days of real journalism. “Follow the money.”

That struck me. Someone was getting paid off and my guess was Levi. Sarah is making at run at 2012, my blind cat has that figured out. She needed respectability. She needed that girl married. She needed a big, strong, extended family to showcase herself.

I have no freaking CLUE why it fell apart again, maybe someone read Vanity Fair to Sarah. I’m sure she didn’t read any of Levi’s original comments on her as reading doesn’t seem to be one of her strong suits. So I figure she found it on “News you can use on audio downloads to your iPod” or something. The rumor is that Levi has a slight problem with fidelity. If so, well, I guess he finally found something he was good at. Everyone should have a hobby.

Well, so now THAT dust settles and no ones talking about Sarah again.
I figure, having observed her these last few years, there’s some sort of handler standing just off camera holding a loaded weapon to keep her from wandering off script (in Palin speak, “going rogue”) and the rest of the time she’s wearing a ball gag.

But wait! There’s Bristol. Who hasn’t been exploited by her mother in at least TWO MONTHS!

So little Bristol’s going to learn to dance. And get paid for doing it. And the longer Bristol gets votes (and, let’s face it, a few season’s ago even the Bug Man got enough votes to keep dancing for awhile) the more money she makes.

AND…mommy can sit in the audience and get that goofy grinning, big hair mug on national television every week. For FREE! And none of that pesky equal time crap either.

And maybe then, when it’s all over, Sarah Palin can get in front of the camera again and say “Look at ME! I have a disabled child. She has two left feet!”