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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I owe my soul to the company store...

Anyone out there find themselves trying not to cry when they sit down at their desks in the morning? Just wondered. What I really love about this phenomenon is that your boss either doesn't notice the extent of your stress, figures whatever it is it has nothing to do with your job and you're just a menopausal bitch who should have retired six years ago anyway or that you're just an old, fat, uneducated and untalented woman who should be grateful they allow you in the building every morning and he's wondering how long you're going to annoy him by showing up so he can find an empty headed 18 year old bimbo to push around?

Well, I've been thinking about this. I have decided that I'm in the wrong line of work. When someone finally notices I have a soul and I can actually do something I'm good at, I need to be prepared.

There was an employee survey went around recently and we all received emails telling us that the results were in and boy howdy, were they ever awesome! 60% of the people who work here filled out their survey. SIXTY PERCENT of us GAVE THEM FEEDBACK! Is that awesome, or what?

And of those 60%, we all just LOVED it here! Because it was pointed out that the 60% of people here rated it more highly than the other people who work for other other companies who deal in the same product. There was some dissatisfaction regarding advancement opportunities, supervisor feedback, communication and streamlining but that's to be expected and proves that we're vibrant, interested and wholly satisfied with our life here.

So, let's see, that means FORTY percent, or somewhere in the vicinity of half of the people who work here didn't give a damn, right? No, we don't mention the infidels.

So I came to a decision. I want to be a spin doctor. How hard can it be? I mean, I can translate all of this information now so I know what it actually DID say, I think it would be loads of fun to read this stuff and come up with the crap they put out.

Let's see. Sixty percent filled out the survey over HALF OF US! YAY US! This is not mentioning the ALMOST half of us were either so disgusted or so uninvolved we didn't bother to fill the damn thing out or mail it back.

Of those who did send it back, there was a higher level of satisfaction here than there was among other companies in the same business, therefore, we ROCK. Translation? Of the people who filled out the survey the general consensus was "this place sucks, but at least we're not working for NBC".

Now, for the slightly trending dissatisfaction. No one thinks their boss listens to them or knows their name. They haven't been able to get ahead in all the years they've been there. And now we're too old because every damn job that opens up goes to some recent college grad who thinks it's really exciting to be here and is still at home in his or her old bedroom so they don't need a living wage. (Besides, there's a recession on, haven't you heard? You guys aren't going anywhere right now anyway, so that part isn't the company's fault). And it doesn't matter WHAT great idea you come up with your boss will "take it under consideration" and then present it to management as his own, while telling you it's not a feasible option.

Streamlining? DUDE! Mass layoffs. Which we found out about by opening up our Sunday newspapers one morning to be greeted with a three page article on it.The next day we all opened up our company newsletter via email to read about the Bazillion dollar year they had just posted. Guys? Do you really think we can't READ?

And, after the second bajillion dollar year, yep, well, you know, the economy sucks, doesn't it? So we're "streamlining". Again. And, after all, we're all so HAPPY!
Says so.

Right here.

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