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Monday, April 12, 2010

I don't think this one is getting a Clio...

I've been watching the infomercials again. Why I do this, I have NO clue. I'm sure that, on my deathbed (which won't be a bed but a desk chair, I imagine) I'll wish I had those four days back. But for now, they amuse the hell out of me.

I can't even imagine how much time I've spent watching the blond lady and that other guy making coq au vin in a Magic Bullet and a 500 watt microwave.

Since I switched from cable to satellite I get a WAY better channel guide and now I can actually SEE what infomercials are coming up. Well, I was hella bored the other night and looking for that bouncy rain stick thing that's supposed to turn your upper arms into a Vin Diesel wannabe. It seems to have disappeared. Damn! You don't suppose someone actually complained it didn't WORK?

Well, I found an exercise equipment sort of program listed at, I dunno, about 3am, and I lept for the remote. It's better than the rain stick. Seriously better. It's the "FLIRTY GIRL" exercise program. This program, complete with DVD instructions, is going to make exercise FUN! Because it has WAY cool music with a throbbing baseline. And you get to unleash your inner flirt.

Because, as we all know, we all need lessons in flirting, no one knows how to do it naturally. Can you see my eyes rolling? But then, I watched the whole half hour. Well, okay,it's actually the whole 7 minutes, they just repeat it four times. I've been going about flirting ALL WRONG. The knowing glances, the teasing comments, the sort of "will I or won't I?" attitude? I wonder how I got a husband because that's NOT flirting.

Well, back to flirty girls exercise. Being "flirty" involves moves my cat can't make. One stretches and shakes at a dangerously high rate of speed. Unlike, say, Richard Simmons videos, which usually show a lot of happy women of various shapes and sizes sweatin' to Eddie and the Cruisers, the flirty girls are all about a size -4. They have to be. One of the basic laws of physics is "An object in motion tends to remain in motion, an object at rest tends to remain at rest." Well, my ass has remained at rest for quite some time now. Although it didn't QUITE remain at rest, it grew, so I'm not sure how true the second half of that law is. However, it doesn't take Einstein to figure out that the first part is absolutely true, and if I ever got that thing moving like the "flirty girls" do it probably wouldn't stop for a week. Not to mention the damage it would cause to my lower back.

But...that's just the start of the flirting. After your rump stops shaking, you move on to the undulations. And only THEN to you get to use the equipment. But it's okay, you don't HAVE to buy it. It's not really specialized or anything, you can use something you have right there in your home.

A chair.

Yes, you too can learn the "flirty chair dance". Do I REALLY need to describe this dance? No, I didn't think so. Actually, you can't buy the chair, you do need to use your own. However, if you really want to, you CAN purchase the "flirty pole". And THIS will strengthen your upper arms and give you six pack abs. It will also give you a hernia and, quite possibly, an STD.

I'm thinking of starting a class action suit against the "Flirty Girl" program. I think I may have injured myself when I fell out of bed laughing. This brought on a severe case of hyperventilation. As it was 3am I tripped over the cat in the darkened living room as I staggered to the kitchen in search of a bag to breathe into and now the people who live underneath me think there was earthquake damage to their ceiling which was actually caused by my thudding to the floor.

However, I thought of a way to save yourself some cash if the idea of channeling your inner slut peaks your interest.

Add "Showgirls" to your Netflix queue. Seriously. Every time Elizabeth Berkley takes off her shirt just follow her moves. And, for a fraction of the cost, you too, can soon be a "Flirty Girl".

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