Wedding Bells

In a rather disturbing chain of events I found myself last night googling the date of the upcoming "Royal Wedding" and then drifted into several websites all featuring what they thought the next Queen of England's (assuming it lasts) wedding gown.

I find the thought of bride to be Kate waltzing up the aisle of Westminster Abbey in a satin, bias cut slip dress to be highly amusing. Not that she couldn't pull it off, from what I've seen she could. No, it's the looks on the faces of all those stodgy Lords and Ladies that tickles me. Not that it's gonna happen, I'm pretty sure that, in spite of all the changes that have occurred in Britain regarding the choice of a royal mate (something tells me the virginity test is no longer being given, or if it is, I've got a quid says one no longer has to pass) the Queen has the final say on the wedding gown and, looking at her, something tells me Kate isn't going to glide up that aisle wearing something that resembles a bias cut satin slip. I could be wrong and, frankly, what an awesome event it would be if I am, but I doubt it.

Which is why I was so enjoying the parade of gown suggestions for Waity Katie. Yes, I do keep up. Actually she makes me feel better about myself, it was SIX freaking years before the hubster finally broke down and proposed to me, from what I read it's taken Kate EIGHT years to land William so I don't feel quite so bad about the length of time I had under my belt about that one, but I digress...

I just wondered why some designer would sketch such a thing as a suggestion for a Royal Wedding. Not gonna happen.

I'm looking forward to this though. Some sort of tradition or something. I looked up the date of the nuptials. They're on a Friday. This, as I understand it, is for several reasons. It's the first day there was nothing scheduled on the royal calendar and, I guess, they're in a hurry. From what I hear the hurry is just a formality, they've been living together for a bazillion years or so. Which is fine by me, I'm just pointing this out as it being a lame excuse for getting married on a week-day. Okay, week-days are fine for getting married if one is having an intimate affair at the office of the county clerk or perhaps a small, family gathering at sunset with a wedding dinner at the local Norm's but when one is inviting anywhere over six people week-day ceremonies are somewhat inconvenient. I've noticed of late that people are delaying FUNERALS until the week-end. This is kind of a drag, as having to go to a funeral is an excellent and non-questionable way to get the day off work. Of course, then there was my cousin, who decided to schedule her father's funeral at 5pm on a Friday in another county. Have you ever driven in Los Angeles? Ever driven in Los Angeles on a FRIDAY? We left at 2:30 to make a drip that should have taken about 40 minutes. We barely made it.

So I'm guessing that the Friday wedding (which, I understand, has been declared a 'bank holiday' in England) is a great excuse for a bonus three day week-end. This makes perfect sense to me.

Now, I have been getting up in the middle of the night to watch royal weddings ever since Princess Margaret married that photographer instead of Peter Townsend and yes, even us Americans in the backwater knew about THAT. That's Townsend, not TownsHend, btw, although the thought of Princess Margaret marrying into the WHO not strikes me as absolutely delicious.

The hubster swears that I did NOT watch Princess Margaret's wedding on television. I'm not sure how he knows this because he was 7 at the time and I have a feeling that watching Princess Margaret get married wasn't high on his list but he insists. I was 5. My mother thought I would like to see a Princess get married, thus looking like a Princess instead of a regular person with a funny hat. Now, being 5 and watching this back in 1960 on a black and white Phillips I suppose an argument can be made that it wasn't actually Princess Margaret. You couldn't prove it by me. But I do remember sitting with my mother at some strange hour I wasn't normally awake and watching some woman in a white dress and a very BIG sparkly crown parade up the aisle of a church I'd never been in.

This, however, started something with me. First off, I never wanted to BE a princess and, unlike all those odd little girls who try to ride Space Mountain dressed up like Cinderella I never thought I WAS a princess. No kid in their right mind does Disneyland in a ballgown, you know that's their parents doing.

I watched Princess Anne get married in 1973. I seem to remember watching it in the morning, on the "Today" show but I could be wrong. It may not have been televised live back then. She wore a dress that looked suspiciously as if it was a turtleneck. We didn't get so see the actual wedding, the Queen, if I recall correctly, said no cameras during the actual ceremony.

Anyway, the hubster and I (who were not married yet) set the alarm for something like 3am in 1981 so I could watch Charles marry Diana. Live, dammit. I KNOW this one was live. AND...in color! I went to work bleary eyed the next morning but, fortunately, I was working for the British government at the time and, in celebration of the wedding, we closed at noon. Probably because none of us were awake.


I did the same thing for Andrew and Sarah Ferguson. I refuse to call the woman "Fergie". She has a name and she does NOT front the "Black-Eyed Peas." I liked her dress the best, btw, except for that unfortunate, large "A" on the back. Yes, I KNOW it was for "Andrew" but who in their right mind has the letter "A" embroidered on their backside? Or their front, for that matter, let's face it, an embroidered "A" has unfortunate connotations no matter WHERE one places it.

Anyway, I needed the date of this wedding because I will need to put in for a vacation day. I'm no longer young and I doubt I'll be able to make it into work after getting up in the middle of the night to watch someone I don't know, have never met and likely never WILL meet get married. But I'm hoping for something spectacular, because, frankly, wedding dresses have become the more boring fashion statements on the planet lately. Strapless, embellished bodice, pick ups or tons of tulle on the ball gown skirt, ruching on the mermaid. I want to see FASHION, DAMMIT!

Actually, I thought I saw fashion in 1981. However, looking back at my own wedding pictures and seeing those voluminous sleeves, knowing I have Diana Spencer to thank for them, I'm not so sure.

Although looking back on this history of watching the British Royal family wed, and now realizing how every one of those marriages ended up I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I shouldn't get up for this one. Perhaps I'm a jinx. I mean, think about it. Before Princess Margaret there hadn't been a divorce among British Royalty since Henry VIII dumped Anne of Cleves I think. Okay, I take that back. A daughter of Queen Victoria get divorced in 1901. Of course, she had married her cousin which may have had something to do with it. And people say you can't divorce your family...

But I'm starting to think that maybe there's some sort of causal connection. Kind of like the assignment my son is working on right now for philosophy, based on the "if A = B and B = C then A = C". As in "all cats eat fish, I eat fish, therefore I am a cat."

Maybe if I DVR the wedding the marriage will be a success. I'll see at ad nauseum anyway and, as for the dress, knock-offs will be in the windows of every bridal store from here to Kathmandu within a week by May 1st. The wedding, btw, is April 29th, I figure 36 hours will be enough. In fact, I've got five bucks says someone will be saying "yes" to THAT dress on Sunday's show. (Yes, I watch "Say Yes To The Dress" I have no idea why, it's kinda boring.)

I've got a little over two months to work it out though. At any rate, I think the day off is a dandy idea, and I intend to take it.