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Saturday, March 5, 2011

The "Y" chromosome. Actually.

Okay, listen up.

No man should be allowed to use the word "Actually." Even if he asks you to go buy a copy of "Love, Actually" which, trust me on this one, they won't, unless they think they'll get lucky if they watch it with you. In which case, he'll ask for "That English movie with Colin whatshisname who got the Oscar and Hugh Grant and Emma Thompson who's really hot even now, you know, the Christmas one?" Speaking of hot, Colin Firth in black tie holding an Oscar? Damn, I thought I was over the hot flashes. He's younger than I am, too. Not that I care. For THAT I'd go to cougar school. But I digress...

Every time a guy says "Actually" to you you know what's coming. Your kid asks "Mom, when did the Civil War end?" and you say "1865" and whoever the grown man in the vicinity happens to be will say "Actually, it was April 9, 1865." "Okay", you say "wasn't that still 1865?" "Well, yes" he says "but there was a LOT of 1865 came after the war ended, so 1865 isn't exactly right."

"Fine, whatever" you say. "Anyway, Lee surrendered to Grant at Appomattox in APRIL, of 1865." "Actually" says the man "Lee surrendered at Appomattox Village, which is about 3 miles NORTH of Appomattox."

"Yes" you say. "I also heard he symbolically surrendered his sword, but he was allowed to keep it. My family was descended from the Lees and I'm sorry I didn't get that sword. It would be a handy thing to have right now."

The guy then looks at you funny because he has no freaking CLUE what pissed you off and your kid has already answered his own question via the Wikipedia.

For all of the lip service we've paid to women's rights. we have none. At least none that we want. Okay, we vote. And we can wear pants in public without being pitched in the hoosegow on a morals charge.

We're allowed to go out and work jobs we hate that are way beneath our qualifications and get paid 77 cents for every dollar the under qualified man in the same position makes...IF a man will even TAKE the job. Let's face it, the incompetent guy will probably be our boss. Ever notice...most Executive Assistants are female? AND...we allowed to do this silently. God forbid you should bitch about it. THAT'S beyond them. After all, if you're not working for THEM, why are you complaining to them?

We're allowed to work three jobs at a time to support our families and then come home and cook dinner and fold laundry and go to the market and iron their collar points because "look, there's a funny crease, right there" even though you can't see squat and your collars look like you slept in them because you don't have TIME to "touch up" your collars, you have misplaced faith in the perma press cycle.

We're allowed to do this because, when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter what the guy does...society looks on women to be responsible for their families. Has anyone blamed Martin Sheen for Charlie? Okay, bad example, no one's blaming anyone but Charlie for Charlie. Which leads me to believe maybe he IS his own drug, a Vatican Assassin and a Bi-winner. However, when all this dies down, and it will, trust me, they won't blame his FATHER for it.

Kids that are "banging 7 gram rocks" (and no, I'm not entirely sure what that means, I'm in the ballpark but can someone give me some sort of equivalent? You know, like "hail the size of golf balls"?) aren't sitting around in the Principal's office or police station while someone calls their FATHER, are they? Does anyone ever opine "you know, if his or her FATHER hadn't been so career driven and stayed home and paid attention to his kids this wouldn't have happened?

I didn't think so.

I think it has something to do with the fact that men always have to be right. It's okay for a woman to be right, provided the man can be righter. As in "Actually...."

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