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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Levi Strauss must be spinning...

Pajama Jeans?

Really?

Are they running these during the day? I'm not home to watch television during the day so I don't know. I know that, during the later evening hours, I'm being treated to the newest fashion sensation. The comfort of jeans with the comfort of pajamas. No, the look of jeans with the comfort of pajamas, that's it. Because your jeans aren't comfortable. This is why people have fought to wear jeans in public for years, btw...because they're not comfortable.

So NOW...we have a solution. Pajama pants that are designed to look like your jeans. They complement every size butt, too. Just like your pajamas, I'm guessing. Yeah, I look SO good in those I go to work in them.

Apparently you're supposed to wear these to all the places you would wear your jeans but don't want to wear your jeans because what you would really rather be wearing is your pajamas. However, as society frowns on women of most ages wearing pajama pants to the office we should spend $40 dollars on these:

Now, to be honest, IF my ass looked like that I'd probably go out in these too. It doesn't. I can just picture mine in those...two axe handles across, every lump on display. I'd probably do just as well painting my naked butt navy blue.

The nice man (notice it's a guy, btw) on the commercial says that if I wear these, not only will I look fabulous but I'll be just as comfortable as if I were wearing sleepwear.

So let me get this straight. I'm going to put these on. They'll feel just like my pajamas. Which means the legs will ride up until the hem is wedged between the top of my calf and my knee. The seat will bag and the drawstring waist will stay in one position while the crotch twists itself into a knot. But they're soft, so it's okay. And for $39.95 you too can have this pleasure. Plus shipping, natch. Makes the perfect holiday gift. You can sit around in your pajama jeans while you clap your lights off and on. Sign me up.

But they kindly demonstrate how uncomfortable real jeans are. The same woman who can't use a spatula without gouging the Teflon coating off of her skillet while attempting the most difficult of kitchen tasks (the flipping of a grilled cheese sandwich) is now showing us how awful jeans are to wear. They're difficult to snap, impossible to zip without breaking one's finger and, as she's wearing a low rise cut that's at least 3 sizes too small when she finally peels them off there's an ugly welt right on top of her hips and all the fat in her lower extremities has been forced up to her natural waist, thus making her formerly model perfect belly button the world's biggest outie. This woman, btw, is the luckiest woman in the world. She has managed to find work in commercials where her total lack of life skills pays her handsomely. Because this chick can't drain pasta without setting her kitchen on fire. She probably couldn't make it out of her house to the mail box without breaking something. She'd be on disability if it weren't for all that commercial work.

Although I must admit, I've worn jeans like that. I've spent no small amount of time over the course of my life flat on my back on the floor trying to zip up my 505s because they were fresh out of the dryer and, for some bizarre reason, one is a size smaller when lying on one's back. Don't do this alone, btw, the thing is, the Levi's WILL soon relax and resume their natural shape. BUT not for a few minutes. It's imperative that you have a friend, or a crane, to get you up from the floor, you can NOT do it by yourself. The jeans will NOT relax when you're supine. I have no idea why. Your significant other will find you hours later, flat on your back on your bedroom floor, like some sort of big, blue, pill bug.

And still, I find this infinitely more acceptable than wearing pajama pants painted to look like jeans out in public. But then, I also refuse to pay 100 bucks for a pair of jeans with somebody elses name prominently displayed on the ass. It's the principle. Why should I PAY to advertise someone else? If I'm going to pay into three figures for a pair of pants, shouldn't they at least have MY name on them?

Perhaps I could advertise the blog on the back of my pants. "Could I really make this stuff up?"

Yeah, it's big enough.



Now THIS guy knew how to make pants.

1 comment:

  1. Friend from the PastDecember 11, 2010 at 10:28 PM

    Sweetums, you cracketh me uppeth ...

    "for some bizarre reason, one is a size smaller when lying on one's back."

    "It's imperative that you have a friend, or a crane, to get you up from the floor, you can NOT do it by yourself."

    He, he, he, ... "or a crane" ... snort.

    "Your significant other will find you hours later, flat on your back on your bedroom floor, like some sort of big, blue, pill bug."

    Genius. Pure Genius.

    And truer words were never spoken. :-)

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