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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Tales told by idiots.

So I'm sitting here doing what I do every morning, Monday through Friday. I'm swilling black coffee and watching the morning news and wishing I didn't have to go to work today. It's not so much news as it is "let's amuse the disgruntled people who are trudging to jobs they hate" sort of show, although when news breaks, they're pretty good and covering it. Well, most of them are, one of the anchors came from the late and not at all lamented "Tech TV" and has no freaking CLUE what news is unless it involves a USB port, in fact the actual tech reporter on this station was stranded in New Orleans when Katrina hit and he did a damn fine job reporting, but I digress.

However, this station used to be known for it's news, especially it's local news, it's considered a broadcasting pioneer and rightly so. They initiated a morning show, must be 20 years ago. It's habit, especially since the morning of September 12, 2001. Because I didn't have the TV on the morning of September 11, 2001 and I got that news from my crazy ass neighbor who left me with the impression the Nazi's were invading Burbank. So now I always check.

This brings us to this morning. We are on Lindsay Lohan watch. I find myself wondering if the rest of the world, or the country, or even the state is joining us, or is this some sort of weird, Los Angeles ritual? Know what the traffic reporters are covering this morning? The traffic jam around a) Lindsay Lohan's apartment or condo or whateverthatis and b) the traffic jam around the Beverly Hills courthouse. "You might want to try taking San Vicente to Santa Monica and avoid Canon..."

Because poor widdle Lindsay is going to jail. For 90 days. Not.

Now lest I give the wrong impression, Lindsay is going to jail, we watched the judge send her there this morning. BTW, props to the judge for having the cameras turned off before Lohan was remanded into custody. I don't think she will serve 90 days, nor do I think she should. Lindsay, IF she goes to the slam, will serve no more than 25% of than sentence, probably less. And when she gets out the public will start screaming for her head, and the head of the poor law enforcement officer who put his or her luckless signature on her conditional release papers. They will scream special treatment, stars buying their way out of jail, demanding her still beating heart be placed on a platter as a public offering to the rest of the world that we do NOT give celebrities special treatment. And they will drag her skinny butt back to jail where my tax dollars will go to her care and feeding.

Oh, come ON. In the first place, if Lindsay Lohan's name was Lindsay Smith and she was sentenced to 90 days under the exact same circumstances she'd be out in 10 days, give or take, and no one would care. And as for not giving celebrities special treatment? The same people who will argue that side are, right now, watching the picture being broadcast by 8 helicopters and a hundred members of the news media as they follow Lindsay's SUV making it's way towards the Beverly Hills Courthouse. And she's late, btw. BIG news yeah, that special treatment thing really doesn't hold water.

People are now texting the news station with their opinions, as Lindsay got caught in some intersection traffic and was 7 minutes late. Someone thinks they should add 30 days to her sentence for "tardiness". I've got a quarter says whoever sent that is late to something at least once a week...hell, who isn't? By that logic, next time the author of that text is late to work they should have to spend an extra 30 minutes there, even IF your boss says "yeah, traffic was a bitch today, don't worry about it". BTW, the judge didn't say JACK about her being 7 minutes late. If the judge can live with it, so can the rest of the world.

And THIS is what pisses me off about the "special treatment" hue and cry. People scream that celebrities get special treatment when, in cases like this, they get the same treatment we all do. These people who are right now tweeting that it's about time don't really care if Lindsay is punished for succumbing to her personal demons. They want her punished because she's rich and famous. Because not ONE of these people gives a damn that every other person sentenced for the exact same crimes will be out early. They don't give a damn that the jails are so overcrowded the sheriffs don't have room for all these people and they let non-violent criminals out early every freaking day of the week.

I was once in court on a ticket and we stopped the routine crap so the judge could deal with someone who had been brought in on some sort of "you're going to end up in jail" crime. The miscreant was affable and pretty resigned to his fate, which wasn't THAT bad, he was going to jail for like a week. When discussing this with the judge, the judge rather genially suggested that he go in directly. Because the jail day turns over at midnight. And he said "go in now, you'll be out by the week-end". I assume the guy was, I didn't follow up. But does anyone complain about THAT? No, it's just the way it is. Unless your rich and then the general public wants your HEAD. People, let's be honest here. You don't care about Lindsay's DUI. She's rich and famous and you're not and you want her to suffer for it.

She's going to the wrong jail anyway. Problem is, they don't have the sort of jail people like Lindsay Lohan need. A jail for idiots. Is Lohan an idiot because she says her passport was stolen? Not really. She's an idiot for thinking anyone BELIEVED that though. But even that isn't cause for incarceration in the jail for idiots.

Lindsay Lohan has filed a lawsuit against E-trade and their advertising firm for the babies talking like grown ups commercial in which a jealous baby girlfriend finds out her baby boyfriend has spent time with another baby girlfriend named Lindsay and refers to the other woman/baby/whatever (the one named Lindsay) as "that milkaholic". Lohan says everyone knows that means her and it's defamatory or something.


Lohan claims that, like Cher and a few others, she's known by a single name and that whenever anyone says the name "Lindsay" they are referring to her and everyone knows it.

Uh, Lindsay? No. Not really. In the first place, most people refer to her as "that idiot Lindsay Lohan". If someone says to me "have you seen Lindsay today" I will, most likely, answer "Lindsay who?" Case in point:QUICK! What's Beyonce's last name? You know it but you had to stop and think for a second. What's Cher's last name? Yeah, I don't know it either. We ALL know what Lohan's last name is and we all use it. Lindsay Lohan. Besides, you can't refer to yourself as "LiLo" and sue someone for using the name Lindsay.

I'm reminded of a short lived lawsuit once filed by Whitney Houston. Some company, most likely the Bradford Exchange, issued yet another collectible plate. It was a Dolly Parton plate and around the edge of what I remember as a very tacky plate were the words to "I Will Always Love You" in some sort of an everlasting circle.

Houston, who had a BIG hit with that song, attempted to file a lawsuit. I don't think it saw the light of day as a whole lot of people remembered that a) Dolly Parton recorded it first (and did well with it, I think) and b) Dolly Parton WROTE it. Personally, I figured Houston AND her entourage were all probably high at the time anyway. BUT...had they been high and had they ended up in a court of law because of this and had Houston been sentenced to serve time for this (the drug use, not the Dolly Parton plate) she should have been sentenced to a jail for idiots.

See? It would also relieve a lot of the overcrowding problems.

Okay, in all honesty here, Lindsay doesn't need to go to jail. She needs to go to Betty Ford. Has anyone but me noticed that, since the rise of spiffy boutique rehab facilities, (most of them at the beach)rehab doesn't seem to stick? So you check into "Promises" and you get pampered and you come out (after making a reservation for your inevitable return visit) and your dealer picks you up. Lohan needs to be locked down in the desert sans her cell phone and Twitter account and spend six weeks scrubbing toilets with a toothbrush.

If that doesn't sober her up, nothing will.

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