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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The "Y" Chromosome And The Optic Nerve.

Well, okay, it's that time of year. Something must be said about "American Idol." I don't know why it's on Fox. It sounds like it belongs on The Nashville Network with the grand finale live from Ryman Hall. I'm guessing country is in this year. Except for the girl with the Irish name who rocked "Paint It Black", I liked her. Otherwise, they all sound like Reba McIntyre and they're all boring. Unlike Reba.

Oh, and Ellen? What's with the hair? Okay, the hair looks okay. She basically looks fine, I think she's got the prettiest eyes since Paul Newman in "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof." But the hair does something odd for her ears. I've never even noticed she had them before, now I can't take my eyes off them. Sorry, but it makes her look as if she should be speaking Elvish. This is so boring I'm actually starting to look forward to "Dancing With The Stars" next week. Oh boy, Buzz Aldrin in Copabana sleeves attempting the Samba. Television doesn't get much better.

Maybe it's the time change, when my circadian clock settles back into some sort of rhythm the contestants might get better. I doubt it, but I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt here. When we "spring ahead" it always seems to take me a week, it's kind of like jet lag for me. I'm tired and therefore more aware of things that would normally sort of slide by. For example, just how long has the hubster been IMing me at work and asking me things like "where's that blue envelope I wrote the phone number on that chick from the bank gave me?" "Where's my blazer?" and "I can't find my notebook." I think it's losing that hour, I've suddenly become aware of this. Yeah, that's it. In my exhausted state my senses are heightened. Or else I'm just testy.

Whatever the reason, there's definitely some sort of disturbance in the force. A friend of mine, who is also married to a guy who works from home, has been experiencing the same phenomenon lately. She's getting calls from her husband with important, day interrupting questions like "Do you know where the box I got from Amazon yesterday is?"

Guys? After the obvious, as in "your jacket is in the closet" and the inevitable response "no, it's not, I looked there" what do you expect US to do? I can look everywhere but the blue envelope with the phone number on it isn't IN MY OFFICE. For what it's worth, your blazer WAS in the closet(I found it there on the hangar when I got home), the charger for your iPod was in plain sight on the coffee table and the box from Amazon (so I hear) was under the morning paper. Where you all said you looked. Is it some sort of vision thing maybe? That "y" chromosome you're so proud of has some sort of strange effect on the optic nerve of the male of the species, enabling them to find absolutely nothing except the TV remote until a sudden influx of estrogen achieves a sort of balance in the cosmos?

And no, I'm not picking on husbands in particular. I have two sons. It's the same thing. The lost W2s showed up in the exact place I told him to look, the place he looked in three times. Belts, shoes, wallets, you name it, "Have you seen my shoes?" "Hmmm, let me check. No, they're not under my desk." Do you suppose Tiger Woods used to text his wife "where'd I leave the salami I've been trying to hide?"

Speaking of Tiger, he's going to tee off at the Masters next month. He's out of rehab, at least for the week and being allowed to work. I saw this on the news today, all day. It was only eclipsed by the earthquake I slept through. And then it hit me.

What if Tiger didn't do anything? I mean, let's think this through. The only women who have come forward in front of cameras are porn performers. Now, I'm guessing their acting abilities aren't going to get them noticed by Kurasawa anytime soon, but they can probably deliver a line and they wouldn't be shy about appearing in public and discussing their sex life.

And golf has been getting progressively more boring. It's right up there with "American Idol" lately.

Can you imagine the ratings the Masters will get? The galleries? For the first time in 20 years, people might actually know who wins the thing. They won't remember who won it a month later but that's to be expected. Quick. What movie won best picture last week? No Google.

Took you a few seconds, didn't it?

In any event, this just may be the biggest, and most successful publicity stunt ever perpetrated. Or Tiger may just be a jerk. Hard to tell. How much you want to bet he calls his wife in Florida from his hotel room in Augusta and asks her where he put his golf clubs after he picked them up from baggage claim?

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